With credit to George Carlin, everyone with a drivers license will be issued a dart gun and 10 rubber darts. Someone does something stupid in traffic, you shoot their car. Police can simply pull over anyone with more than 3 darts on their car for being an idiot.

Car gas tank caps will always be located on the drivers side——Because there’s ALWAYS someone driving the car….

All cars in Vermont, Maine, and New Hampshire must be outfitted with huge dual airbags—because a Moose is a big damn animal to hit…

Cell phones in cars will be hands free, will only work when the car is stopped or driving within +/-5 mph of the posted speed limit, and the phone number must be the same as the license plate——Because you should be able to call someone and tell them they’re driving like an idiot….

All highways nationwide will have the same 75 mph speed limit——because it’s annoying as hell, and expensive, to suddenly find yourself doing 75 in a 55.

The police will be required to write at least as many tickets for people driving too SLOW as they do for people driving too fast——Because slow people are almost as dangerous and far more annoying.

No more small town speed traps or unmarked police cars—Because that’s simply not fair. But GOOD creative hiding places for police cars WILL be allowed——Because that’s simply good sportsmanship.

Turn signals in ALL cars will automatically go off after 60 seconds.

Anyone caught driving a $75,000 sports car below the legal speed limit will have the car taken away and given to someone who knows how to drive it.

Category: King of the World

All hotel pillows will be required to be fluffly and comfortable, no more than one year old, and each bed will be required to have a minimum of four pillows for guests to use at their discretion.

All hotel showers must be high pressure, adjustable, with plenty of hot water, or the night is free.

All hotel door card key systems will work the same way.

There will always be a working light switch right next to the door, fresh batteries in the tv remote, and at least one FREE bottle of water in the room. And if you hide the remote, I get to keep the tv.

Category: King of the World

All telephone voice mail systems will operate the same way with the same access code structures.
1 will always start recording immediately.
2 will always save your message
3 will always delete the message
0 will always get you out of voicemail to the operator

It’s insane that Verizon voicemail in my office and on my cellphone use different sets of command codes.
It’s insane that ANY company would use a complicated voicemail system where O doesn’t get you out to the operator.

Category: King of the World

College marching bands will not be allowed to play stupid take-offs of current pop music tunes. The ONE and only exception to this is rule is playing “Tusk” by Fleetwood Mac. However, your college band will be required to have a minimum of 10 drummers performing it.

Category: King of the World

If you’re not smart enough to figure out row numbers
and that A is the window seat and C is the aisle seat,
then you’re not smart enough to be travelling by airplane.

When they say preboarding, it means preboarding. Group 1 means Group 1.
Anyone boarding out of order / cutting WILL be bumped to the next flight.
And anyone pretending they don’t speak English and don’t understand when they were clearly speaking English to someone else a few minutes ago will also be bumped.

I understand competition, supply and demand. But it’s just wrong that it costs me $100 more to fly to my in-laws in Austin Texas than it would to fly to Bermuda or the Bahamas….

And while I’m not a HUGE numbers guy, I do know that when you are selling every single seat on the vast majority of your flights and all your customers are crammed in like sardines and miserable, yet your airline is still losing money…then YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

Kudos to my new friends at JetBlue. Fantastic customer service, friendly flight attendants and gate personnel, enough legroom on the planes, and individual tv monitors at each seat. Nice to see a company that is at least trying to improve air travel.

Category: King of the World

Appetizers in restaurants will always be served in quantities that are evenly divisible by the number of people at your table.

Anyone who stops dead in the middle of an aisle/walkway/concourse thus tying up everyone behind them will be fined $100.

Spandex clothing and thong bikini’s and underwear in will only be made in small and medium. I’m not a skinny man myself, but at least I have some decency….

Criminals who are convicted of really stupid crimes, or who are caught in a really stupid way, will have their sentences doubled to cleanse the gene pool.

College students will always get first crack on the best sideline seats for a college football game.

Corporate suits will be limited to 25% of the prime seats at a pro game, and long time fans will only face small price increases each year so they can keep prime seats in the hands of those who really care.

Fans will not be allowed to taunt another team’s player with a sing-song chorus of his name when that player is actually playing great——Because that’s just dumb….

With due credit to the great Rick Reilly: A parent must be able to defeat his kid in a sport, playing lefthanded, before screaming advice at him from the sidelines.

Baseball batters may not step out of the batter’s box to adjust their gloves and equipment if they didn’t swing. Yes, that means you Nomar.

Any baseball or puck hit into the crowd must be given to the nearest kid. Any adult who muscles kids out of the way to get a loose ball or puck will have the ball/puck confiscated and will be ejected from the game. Season ticket holders will lose their seats.

All cash machines and credit card swipe machines will all work exactly the same way——because its annoying as hell to have to figure out each new method

Grocery carts will be destroyed the minute ANY of their wheels malfunction.

Anyone who leaves a grocery cart randomly in the parking lot instead of returning it to the cart corrals will be sentenced to 60 days of community service collecting carts in the parking lot——to be served mid December thru Christmas, the coldest days of January, Memorial Day weekend, July 4th weekend, and the middle of August.

Restaurants that automatically include the server’s tip in the total will have to highlight it in bright red ink.

Fast food restaurants will all have the same operating hours, every day, and will be required to include free ketchup in the bag without me asking..

One master membership card will work in all of the movie rental stores in the entire world.

Long distance phone calls to nearby towns will not cost more than cross-country calls to California. Ditto airplane flights.

Videos that misrepresent the subject of the movie or the people in the movie on the cover will be erased and taped over.

The word RELEVANT will be spelled relAvEnt the way it should be.
The word EXPERTISE will be spelled experTEASE the way it should be.
The invisible P in Clemson will be added so it’s spelled Clempson as it sounds.

Politicians that lie will have their. . .
Nevermind, I’m only the King of the world, I’m not God.

Category: King of the World