From Yeah, let’s put the feds in charge of health care…..

Category: Other Stuff

Appetizers in restaurants will always be served in quantities that are evenly divisible by the number of people at your table.

Anyone who stops dead in the middle of an aisle/walkway/concourse thus tying up everyone behind them will be fined $100.

Spandex clothing and thong bikini’s and underwear in will only be made in small and medium. I’m not a skinny man myself, but at least I have some decency….

Criminals who are convicted of really stupid crimes, or who are caught in a really stupid way, will have their sentences doubled to cleanse the gene pool.

College students will always get first crack on the best sideline seats for a college football game.

Corporate suits will be limited to 25% of the prime seats at a pro game, and long time fans will only face small price increases each year so they can keep prime seats in the hands of those who really care.

Fans will not be allowed to taunt another team’s player with a sing-song chorus of his name when that player is actually playing great——Because that’s just dumb….

With due credit to the great Rick Reilly: A parent must be able to defeat his kid in a sport, playing lefthanded, before screaming advice at him from the sidelines.

Baseball batters may not step out of the batter’s box to adjust their gloves and equipment if they didn’t swing. Yes, that means you Nomar.

Any baseball or puck hit into the crowd must be given to the nearest kid. Any adult who muscles kids out of the way to get a loose ball or puck will have the ball/puck confiscated and will be ejected from the game. Season ticket holders will lose their seats.

All cash machines and credit card swipe machines will all work exactly the same way——because its annoying as hell to have to figure out each new method

Grocery carts will be destroyed the minute ANY of their wheels malfunction.

Anyone who leaves a grocery cart randomly in the parking lot instead of returning it to the cart corrals will be sentenced to 60 days of community service collecting carts in the parking lot——to be served mid December thru Christmas, the coldest days of January, Memorial Day weekend, July 4th weekend, and the middle of August.

Restaurants that automatically include the server’s tip in the total will have to highlight it in bright red ink.

Fast food restaurants will all have the same operating hours, every day, and will be required to include free ketchup in the bag without me asking..

One master membership card will work in all of the movie rental stores in the entire world.

Long distance phone calls to nearby towns will not cost more than cross-country calls to California. Ditto airplane flights.

Videos that misrepresent the subject of the movie or the people in the movie on the cover will be erased and taped over.

The word RELEVANT will be spelled relAvEnt the way it should be.
The word EXPERTISE will be spelled experTEASE the way it should be.
The invisible P in Clemson will be added so it’s spelled Clempson as it sounds.

Politicians that lie will have their. . .
Nevermind, I’m only the King of the world, I’m not God.

Category: King of the World

“If you travel through East Texas without eating serious barbeque, you’re a moron.”
——Men’s Journal, 10/01, p. 71 Paradise Roadtrips

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“It’s important to have as much fun as possible while we’re here. It balances out the times when the minefields of life explode.”
——Jimmy Buffett–A Pirate Looks at Fifty.

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“People say I have no class, but people with class are usually willing to overlook this flaw because I am very very rich.”
——Aristole Onassis

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“Ah, yes, “divorce,” from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
——Robin Williams

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“The next time your mind wanders, follow it.”
——Windstar cruises aadvertisement

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“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.”
——Zsa Zsa Gabor

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“If Life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.”
——Johnny Carson

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“The problem with the designated driver program, is that it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, try to have some fun with it. For instance, at the end of the night, you can drop them off at the wrong house”.
——Jeff Foxworthy

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“Children are like TV sets. When they start acting weird, whack them across the eyes with a big basketball shoe.”
——Hunter S. Thompson

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“I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job and I do not want it.”
——Bill Cosby

Category: Top10-Quotes

Two men say they’re Jesus
one of them must be wrong.
——Dire Straits, Industrial Disease

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I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s
His hair was perfect
——Warren Zevon,Werewolves of London

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And now I must confess, I could use some rest
I can’t run at this pace very long
Yes it’s quite insane, I think it hurts my brain
But it cleans me out and then I can go on
——Jimmy Buffett, Trying to Reason with Hurricane Season

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The world is full of stupid people.
But I’ve got the pistol, so I’ll keep the pesos.
——The Refreshments, Banditos

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I was sitting around, drinking doubles
doing nothing, but causing trouble
——Jimmy Buffett

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Now people will say almost anything
There’s no way to see inside their hearts,
But then you’ll see who runs away and
who’s with you when the trouble starts.”
——Shannon Curfman, True Friends

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“I just want you to know that I am INDEED spending your money foolishly.”
——Jimmy Buffett, Live on Stage.

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“I wear my mind on my sleeve, and I’ve been known to lose my shirt”
——The Barenaked Ladies

Category: Top10-Lyrics

“You’re seeing a whole TEAM of psychiatrists, aren’t you?”
——The GREAT James Earle Jones, Field of Dreams

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“Look boss. I only got one rule–And that’s never bet money you don’t have on a dog race with an ex-girlfriend who happens to be a stripper.”
——Cheech Marin in Tin Cup

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“Oz, the bad news is I’m a hit man and your wife hired me to kill you. The good news is. . . I’m pretty sure I’m not going to take the job.”
——Bruce Willis, The Whole Nine Yards

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“I really don’t drink.”

“Yeah, well, now’s a good time to pretend”
——Gene Hackman and Hank Azaria, Birdcage

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“Well Joel…You’ve done some solid work here. But it’s not quite Ivy League now is it?”
——Risky Business of course…

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“Am I going to FIRE you?? Have I fired anyone today? After all this? Then why the hell would I start with you?”
——Anthony LaPaglia, Empire Records

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“I hope your Mom understands I’m still going to have a career after we’re married. ”

“Honey, my *Mom* is 45 year old man who’s a professional drag queen.”
——Calista Flockhardt & Dan Futterman, Birdcage

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“It’s just that I’m used to being the weirdest guy in the room and all of a sudden I’m not even in the running.”
——Robert Downey Jr, Air America

Category: Top10-Quotes

“Abattez l’enfer dehors t.u.!!!!! ”
——Beat the Hell outta t.u. (en francais)

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“The real reason your golf pro tells you to keep you head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.”
——Phyllis Diller

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“Golf is legalized vandalism for adults.”
——Rick Reilly, Sports Illustrated, Oct. 19, 1998

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Golf is an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
——Sports Illustrated

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Golfers love punishment. And that’s where I come in.
——Pete Dye, Golf Course Architect

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“I will never understand how she can ski down a mountain at 50 or 60 mph, then come home and fall down the stairs.”
——Mom of Karen Percy, Canadian Olympian, downhill skiing bronze medalist.

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When you look nice, you feel nice.
When you feel nice, you play nice.
When you play nice, you win gobs of money.
——Philosophy of golfer Tom Lehman

Category: Top10-Quotes

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Half the people you know are below average.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address,you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.

If we quit voting, will all the politicians go away?

Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance or baffle them with bullshit, riddle them with bullets.

There are “Haves” and “Have-nots” kind of people. I’m more of a “Can’t find” kinda guy

I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.

I can never remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Playing Strip Poker with an exhibitionist somehow takes away the challenge of it all.

Category: Random Thoughts

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.–Rosemary, Age 7

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. Heather, Age 16

Never try to baptize a cat. –Laura, Age 13

Never do pranks at a police station. –Sam, Age 10

Category: Top10-Quotes

“Giving money and power to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to a teenage boy”
——The one and only PJ O’Rourke

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“The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’ meaning ‘many,’ and the word ‘ticks’ meaning ‘blood sucking parasites.’”
——George Stephanapoulus

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“Smoke Cuban cigars. Don’t think of it as supporting their economy–think of it as burning their fields.”
——Kinky Freidman

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“The best argument against democracy is a five minute talk with the average voter.”
——Winston Churchill

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“The last of the human freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.”
——philosopher Victor Frankl

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“Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.”
——Admiral Hyman Rickover

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“You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them, or to them.”
——Malcolm Forbes

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“A lot of people who don’t know him well think he tries too hard to be eccentric. But those of us who know him know that he actually tries very hard to be normal—and never quite gets there.”
——Hillary Rodham Clinton on James Carville

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“Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.”
——Josef Stalin

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“Yes, it’s true that species extinction is sad, in a way, but it’s nonetheless pleasant to go get the paper without being bothered by pterodactyls. And a mastodon would wreck the lawn.”
——PJ O’Rourke

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Why do we choose from two people for president and from only 50 for Miss America?
——anon

Category: Top10-Quotes

Frivolous lawsuit night The Altoona curves have the right idea…

Category: Other Stuff