If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Half the people you know are below average.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address,you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.

If we quit voting, will all the politicians go away?

Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance or baffle them with bullshit, riddle them with bullets.

There are “Haves” and “Have-nots” kind of people. I’m more of a “Can’t find” kinda guy

I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.

I can never remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Playing Strip Poker with an exhibitionist somehow takes away the challenge of it all.

Category: Random Thoughts